When you were a small child did you have dreams of being something exciting in the future? I changed my mind often going from a teacher, to a forensic scientist, to a writer, to a psychologist, to a world class chef, and I'm sure a few more in between. As I finished up high school I knew I wanted a job I would love to wake up for everyday, I knew that I wanted a happy future. But since then all it has been is confusion. I decided to go to culinary school after deciding that being a forensic scientist was too morbid, being a writer was too unstable (in terms of money), being a psychologist would require too many years of school, and my mom didn't want me to become a teacher.
So away I went to culinary school and completed 2 years, during which I went all the way to Florida for 4 months to complete my
externship. It was difficult yet fun, and I loved being away from home. I made some great friends, and met/started dating Aaron there (June will be 2 years that we're together, and 1.5 years of living together). Once we graduated Aaron and I went to Florida where we both worked for my old
externship place together. My job the second time around was very stressful and exhausting. Every morning I felt that dreaded feeling in my gut, and all day I felt anxious. And after I would get home my day would seem to end too soon. I only was able to do it for 2 months. We came back to the north where I moved in with Aaron at his parent's house in New Jersey. Aaron's mom had the mindset that we should take as much time as we wanted to figure stuff out. I felt scarred from my last culinary job, and had decided that maybe I liked cooking at home much better. And so this rut began.
I began thoroughly thinking about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I thought about writing, and teaching. But, I didn't want to go back to school just yet, I had just graduated from culinary school and thought I deserved a little break. We waited around a couple of months to clear our heads and then we started looking for jobs. Aaron's parent's were providing us with shelter and a weekly allowance of money for our own grocery shopping. Jersey was beautiful, spring had just bloomed into summer and life seemed perfect. Finding a job proved to be quite difficult, but we weren't worried, Aaron's mother assured us that we had time. Aaron and his family were to take a trip to Utah for 2 weeks while I stayed behind to house sit and take care of the cat. Those two weeks alone in that house was interesting to say the least. I had to take care of the flower and vegetable gardens every day. And I needed to feed the cat. Not to mention I had my own little kitty to feed, Bailey. I spent most of the two weeks taking care of my
responsibilities, watching
tv, going to Barnes & Noble, and reading the "Twilight" books. When Aaron came home, I felt like I didn't know him anymore. He had been reading about meditation before his trip, but it seems that during his time away he had made a breakthrough, and had transformed a bit. He no longer carried other people's burdens. He was determined to become enlightened. He no longer cared about the petty worries that weighed us down. It was hard for me to accept this new Aaron, but I did. He was more loving at times, and much colder at times. It was as if his intensity had been ignited ablaze, but in another sense he had been extinguished. It was a difficult time for the both of us, but we pulled through, and we're still going strong. In our desperation to find a job that would actually pay us well, we signed up for
bartending classes. The whole fee was $400, and included certification and lifetime job placement. The classes were fun, and we completed them in a few weeks. We passed the final test which boosted our confidence levels. Once we were certified we began looking to get placed. The jobs that they offered us would not hire us because we didn't have experience. Long story short, we couldn't get hired. The certification place had told us that we would make between $300 and $800 a night, and that in nearly 1 night we would make back to the fee for the classes. To this day those $400 are still on my credit card, obviously I was never able to pay it off.
Since those days of trying to be a bartender, I've tried to get jobs as a babysitter, a receptionist, a cashier, a cook, and various other things. Aaron and I moved in with my mom, things with Aaron's mom had turned quite sour, and my mom was feeling quite lonely when her boyfriend would be gone for weeks at a time. Shortly after moving back home I landed a job at a steakhouse that I used to work at. I trained and finally became a server. I worked nights, didn't make much money, and felt totally drained at the end of each shift. Then they decided to move me up by having me close several nights a week. This was a bad move. Basically I had to make sure everyone had done their job at the end of the night, and if they hadn't and I signed then out, I would have to do it myself. Some of the people I worked with did half-
assed jobs, and I would have to stay late. I wasn't even making good money! After 2 months, I quit. I couldn't do it anymore, it just wasn't worth it for me. In my desperation to land another job quickly, I set up an interview with a company that made a "
Whos Who", and I was a telemarketer calling people, harassing them, trying to trick them, trying to convince them to hand over their money. Needless to say, rejection after rejection really does put a damper on your mood. I was working on commission and couldn't sell anything, and after 2 unpaid days of training, and only 3 days on the sales floor, I quit, taking home only $100. My last few jobs were totally traumatic for me, and I think I can officially say that I'm in a rut.
Ever since Aaron started this enlightenment quest he's been in the mindset that ambition and success is a bad thing, because the only thing that comes from it is failure and misery. And I have to say that I totally agree. I wish I could just live my life as if floating on a river going whichever way I'm taken. But, the reality is that I need a job, because we need money. This are hard times and finding a job these days is nearly impossible. Aaron landed a security job at the airport, but that was after shelling out over $1000 and taking classes. I feel like I'm not ambitious enough to go back to school. Aaron and I dream about how great it would be to become teachers. Work Monday-Friday, only 6.5 hours a day, weekends and nights off, vacations throughout the year, and don't forget paid summer vacation! The pay is good, the benefits are even better. And if we were both teachers we could really live comfortably! But, every time it comes down to the fact that right now we don't want to sacrifice 6 years of our lives to go to school again, plus we can't even afford school right now. The house we live in might we going under
foreclosure. And things are just all around crazy right now. I just want to be a stay at home... Roxy? I'm no mom yet! And maybe write novels to supplement Aaron's income.
The reason all of this is in my head is that this morning I woke up from a dream where I went back to school and it was too difficult. I felt too rusty, and all I could do was cry about it. In reality, I know that deep down there is that fear that I've been out of the loop for too long. That my vocabulary has deteriorated. And I doubt myself, I doubt that I could ever be a writer, I doubt that I could ever get through school without being miserable. Ever since I was 14 all I wanted to do was to escape misery. My teenage years were a big miserable mess, and now that I'm living at home again I can see why. All I know is that my 15 year old self wouldn't recognize this 21 year old Roxy. And I have to wonder what type of impact Aaron had on me. My mom says that he has changed me in a bad way, and I have to think of if objectively. I'm less ambitious, I'm more care-free, I'm quite a bit happier, and I'm okay with just living for today. Though there is a voice in the back of my head that screams for me to do something, anything, get a job, go back to school, just stop doing nothing. But, honestly, I enjoy sleeping in everyday, and I enjoy cooking dinner every night. And now that I'm taking walks, I enjoy having the time and energy to take care of myself.
I do have a slightly ambitious side of me that has created a few
possibilities:
-Go back to college and either become a writer or teacher
-Go to MUD and become a makeup artist
-Get a loan and start my own Mineral Makeup Line
-Get myself published and write a series
I just feel that Aaron and I have become conjoined twins, and that I wouldn't be able to trudge through the shit of becoming a teacher if Aaron where not there next to me
trudging through it himself. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. Anyway, I have a lot to think about in the near future, but at least I was able to get this off my chest.
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So far the eating right and exercise are going well!
